I’m sick and tired of caring for people who treat me like shit. They say they’re different, but really, what are the odds? People come into your life, get into your heart, and end up leaving. It doesn’t matter how they leave or why they have to leave or even if they’re forced to leave. Either way, you end up alone. Maybe miserable, but definitely not worthless. Losing people will ultimately be your destruction. So what if you don’t survive when the next person walks out? Simple. You close your heart, once and forever.
I’m currently in a blank state of mind. My body has been pumping with adrenaline since last night. Does this have anything to do with the fact that I’m not hungry and sleepy even though I haven’t eaten all day and I haven’t slept in two days? I’m not sure whether, way deep down, I’m feeling numb or pain or truly nothing. All I know is that there is something deep deep down under the layers and layers of my body that’s on the verge of exploding. What is it? It’s driving me crazy. I like to think it’s the pain from feeling absolutely nothing. If I’m really feeling nothing, have I ever felt anything before? Have I felt nothing this whole time? Maybe I really am feeling pain but I just don’t want to admit it. I don’t feel pain. Pain is for the weak. That’s sad, you say? Well say it to my face when your heart gets ripped out of your body and thrown down a slippery ice slope for about 5000 ft and tossed into a tub filled with ice cold freezing water. No, it doesn’t have to be your heart. It can be your stomach, brain, hands, feet, face, words, feelings, it can be your everything. Then, tell me what’s sad. Don’t show weakness or pain when you know you can protect yourself. I’m strong. And to think I was considering exposing my vulnerabilities…I have no doubt that my strength will always persist. Screw the people who try to change that.
Home for the second time since college began! Because of the rareness of my home visits, I’ve realized how much I’ve missed home. I’m always so busy at school that I don’t really have the time to stop and think about anything other than when I’m going to finish an assignment, when I’m going to meet with that professor, when I’m going to attend social events, and even when I’m going to get food. Missing home is not a good feeling but it definitely isn’t a bad one either. As I stepped into my house yesterday, the natural warm and cozy vibe and the aroma of my mommy’s home-cooked meal hit me. I kind of forgot what home felt like. It’s so strange feeling at home and feeling foreign in my own house. Yes, it feels right to be home and the presence of my family heightens the those feelings of me belonging here. But in the end, I don’t live here anymore and I’m still just a visitor visiting home. Perhaps, this is what is making me cherish home more…
or is it I’ve only missed my bed at home? Hm….